Mistakes

Purpose

To normalize making mistakes, recognizing the harm, making amends, and moving forward.
To give others the opportunity to learn from my mistakes 
To do the work of holding myself accountable and to reduce the emotional labor of those impacted by my mistakes.
To remind myself not to assume accountability conversations don't apply to me.
To not erase the mistakes I've made.

Note: I am attempting not to minimize or exaggerate my mistakes, but I acknowledge my descriptions are biased through my own perception of events.

Impact > Intent

It is tempting to defend each example with "I didn't notice" or "I was rushed" or "I didn't mean it that way" or "I was not yet aware of better ally practices." However, the purpose of this page is to highlight the impact of my mistakes and how I can do better. The intent is not important here. 

Mistakes I've Made

What did I do? I told someone to be careful not to tell people they aren't ace. 

Why is this a problem? I am not a mod. It distracted from helping the OP. I was not prepared for the emotional cost of the call out and it's lashback. [Looking back at this thread almost a year later, it's not as dramatic as I percieved at the time.]

What did I do to make amends? I apologized. I messaged the OP to offer to privately answer follow up questions. 

What can I do going forward? Consider the space. Are there mods? Consider the purpose of the conversation. Will I distract from that purpose if I do a call out? Could I do the call out later or privately? Am I overreacting? Consider my emotional energy and the chances the person with the problematic behavior will accept the call out. Could I tell a mod? Could I wait and see if the behavior continues? Could I leave the space and make a decision later?

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What did I do? I challenged myself to make an "Ace Pride" video series of daily 90 second videos. 
Why was this a problem? I made many statements that generalized, conflated, erased, minimized, or implied a stereotype or misinformation was true. 
What did I do to make amends? Reviewing old projects is part of my "self-accountability" plan. No one had to call me out for these videos. I made 15 of 30 videos private. I am making blog posts going into more detail video by video. [1]

What can I do going foward? Avoid quantity over quality. Avoid rush projects. Focus on speaking from my experience, and not theorizing about other experiences or comparing. Research before creating and sharing content. Continue to review past projects for mistakes. 

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What did I do? In a (now updated) group interview I said "Alloromantic asexuals can access amatonormativity".
Why is this a problem? This lacks nuance, generalizes, and minimizes the struggles of alloaces. 
What did I do to make amends? The blog owner let me update my answer to a more nuanced version. I checked the rest of my answers. There's a typo and an iffy "we" statement, but it's clarified in the following sentences.
What can I do going forward? Be cautious of "group has ____" statements without qualifiers. Comparing marginalized experiences requires nuance. Comparing marginalized experiences is not always necessary. There are times when it's better to opt out of answering, especially if you feel you don't have the time/energy/knowledge to be nuanced. 

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What did I do? I created "Free Online Aspec Fiction, Poetry, etc." I linked to Ace Week without mentioning Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. I put more effort into describing asexual works than aromantic. I added a symbol for alloromantic without adding a symbol for allosexual.
Why is this a problem? It signals that aros, and specifically alloaros, are not as important. 
What did I do to make amends? It was easy to mention ASAW and add an allosexual symbol. Putting more effort into describing aromantic works and seeking out alloaro works will be an ongoing process. 

What can I do going forward? Create resources from the outside in by creating an inclusive organization first, instead of from the inside out by collecting resources and applying organization as it comes up. Ask for feedback on the resources I create in their early stages. Use inclusion statements to acknowledge imbalances and state intent for greater inclusion. Invite others to create/maintain resources with me. 

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What did I do? I talked the most and interupted people. This made at least one observer uncomfortable because I am privileged in a category where some of the people I was interrupting / not leaving space for are marginalized
Why is this a problem? This ties into the bigger picture of microaggressions and tokenization. 
What did I do to make amends? Checked in with people involved. Acknowledged the concern of the observer.
What can I do going forward? Leave space for others to speak is a good practice in general (even when it's a topic I'm passionate about, or perhaps especially then). Stay aware that how much space I take ties into the bigger picture of microaggressions and could become a negative experience for observers.

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What did I do? Answered a question intended for a group I don't belong to.
Why is this a problem? Multiple people have told me about the chronic issue of my group speaking over / speaking on behalf of their group.
What did I do to make amends? At the time, I justified my actions. Later the call out was clarified and I added an update to my answer apologizing for not noticing who the question was meant for.
What can I do going forward? I can slow down. If I don't have the time and focus for a closer reading of the question, I should engage less. 

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What did I do? In a conversation about accountability, I focused on how call outs should ideally happen and that being called out is hard.
Why is this a problem? This centers my feelings/wants and distracts from a constructive conversation about acknowleding, amending, and reducing microaggressions. 
What did I do to make amends? Heard the complaint and shifted my focus. 
What can I do going forward? Listen. Resist the urge to share my opinion always. Take the time to know the context of the conversation. Invest time into reading posts about being an ally and specific microaggressions to be aware of.

Mistakes I Could Have Made

The Mistake: Advising writers not to write characters that could perpetuate negative connotations such as: an aroace prude or an alloaro slut.

Why is this a problem? It devalues and silences the experiences of those who exist at intersections with "negative connotations". It reinforces that these "negative connotations" are bad. 
What is the more nuanced way? Explain the stereotype and the risk of using that stereotype without making space for nuance. Note that real people exist that intersect with stereotypes, and these real people need representation too. 
What can I do going forward? Acknowledge the limits to my aroace perspective when giving advice. Link to #ownvoices advice on writing ace and aro experiences that aren't mine.

How Can I Do Better?

Slow down. Collaborate. Ask for feedback. Learn more. Link more.