Mistake Analysis: June 1, 2020

What did I do?

I made a 90 second video about how I like seeing ace friendships in fiction. I used Holly from Perfect Rhythm by Jae as an example. Holly is homoromantic asexual. She has an online aromantic asexual friend who has a QPR. She has an in person friend of unknown orientation who isn't very interested in dating. Aces don't exist in a vacuum. I like seeing ace-ace friendships. I like seeing an ace character's attitude toward dating can lead them to befriend someone with similar views.


Can you spot the problem?









0:58 "I felt like that was very relatable to me because if someone's not very interested in dating [...] they're not going to be talking about sexual attraction very much, which isn't relatable and so it's - it's easier to befriend people who don't talk about that a lot."

Why is this a problem?

  • Although the statement begins with "relatable to me," everything after "because" is a generalization
    • those who aren't interested in dating don't talk about sexual attraction
      • Ignores there are people who don't want to date, but do experience and talk about their sexual attraction
      • Conflates asexuality and aromanticism
      • Conflates attraction, conversation topics, desired relationship, and behavior

      • talking about sexual attraction isn't relatable [to all aces], and it is easier [for all aces] to befriend people who don't talk about sexual attraction
        • Conflates asexuality with discomfort / disinterest in hearing about a friend's sexual attraction
        • Implies aces can't like talking about sex, and tangentially implies aces can't like sex.

    What did I do to make amends?

    As part of a self-accountability practice, I review past projects. When I noticed the problem, I made the video private. I added the Ace Pride project to my Mistakes page, but didn't go into the mistakes video by video. Because this video had 50 views, I decided to make a blog post addressing the misinformation I put out. The video is now unlisted so it can be used as an example here where there is context, but it can't be stumbled upon through YouTube searches.

    The point I wish I'd made with the video is:
    I can feel disconnected/othered/broken/alone when peers talk about romantic/sexual attraction, their desire for romantic/sexual relationships, their happiness in romantic/sexual relationships, and making themselves attractive in order to get a romantic/sexual relationship. I have noticed that I tend to befriend people who either do not or only occasionally talk about such topics. Therefore, I related to Holly's friendship with a person who isn't very interested in dating.

    What can I do going forward?

    Either script videos ahead of time, or check for generalizing and speculating in the editing phase. Be cautious when justifying my feelings or theorizing about why I feel a certain way. That is what led to this mistake and the September 2020 group interview mistake. [See Mistakes page]

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