September TAAAP Chat Notes - Aplatonicism
Disclaimers
"This is a scattered bunch of thoughts and notes on some of the things that were discussed about activism in the September TAAAP Pride Chats. There’s no solid thesis here, but maybe a few conversation starters. Some of what’s here is a post-chat thought and wasn’t even discussed at all. This should also be taken as incomplete and not a full overview of what was discussed. (Notably, it doesn’t include much of what went on in the voice chats.)" - explanation copied from redbeardace's Chat Notes. See end of post for links.
There is no ONE WAY to be aplatonic.
Prompts
Definitions
aplatonic: someone brought up wanting a single agreed upon definition of aplatonicism, but this was pushed back against. See Magni's masterpost and AUREA's Aplatonicism 101 post for common definitions.
apl: short for aplatonic. Pronounced "apple". Apples are a symbol for aplatonicism.
aplspec: short for aplatonic spectrum
aplaroace: This wasn't discussed in TAAAP, but I noticed later this is the generally used order for shortening aplatonic aromantic and asexual.
Squish and friendship: we discussed these terms and their broadness/vagueness. We wish there were more words for types of friendships.
Social Buddy: we brainstormed words for relationships where you are open about your aplatonicism (and what that means to you and how you feel about friends) and the person knows and accepts that you are using each other to meet social needs with no commitment to maintain the friendship or connect on a deeper level. I suggested "social buddy" as a twist on "f*** buddy," but we will see if this term or a better term catches on.
Nonfriends: I use this term for the "friends" who I found emotionally draining, actively disliked, felt I was being used for one-sided emotional support or other tasks, or shared no significant common interest with but they kept putting effort into maintaining the relationship. I didn't know how to end the friendship or I didn't feel it was okay to end a friendship and hurt their feelings (or I attempted to end the friendship and failed).
Propinquity: (proximity) a term used in scholarly articles for studies about friendships made on the basis of a shared space such as a class, a workplace, or an online chat room.
Relationship Maintenance: putting time into interacting with the person outside of convenience, being aware of and acting on the emotional needs and interests of the person. (this wasn't defined in TAAAP, but it's useful for the next definition)
Friend Saturation: having a limit on the number of friends you feel able to maintain relationships with. This term was introduced by an alloplatonic. The aplatonics in the chat at that time didn't relate to it.
Social Burn Out: feeling drained from too much socializing
Social Needs: the need for social interactions from anyone or from a close friend.
Friendship Structure: I started using this term to talk about the types of relationships I seek out and in what context and how often we interact.
Recurring Themes
Disconnect: Many people think of you as their friend, but you do not feel emotionally connected to them. You have social needs, but it doesn't matter where you fill them.
Logic: pursuing friendships in a strategic way to avoid loneliness, without an innate desire to befriend specific people.
Awareness: indirectly aware of social needs, such as recognizing negative moods from isolation without directly craving socialization.
Friend groups: we noticed patterns for apl and aplspec people. (This was not collected with a large sample size or in a scholarly way. No matter how true or untrue these possible patterns turn out to be, it does not invalidate the aplatonicism of those who do not fit these statements.)
- The majority have social needs
- A preference for small group interactions centered around an activity or common interest
- A preference to be the leader of the small group rather than a newcomer (starting a meetup group, taking a leadership role in a school club, or collecting friendless people is a useful way to achieve this)
- A distrust, discomfort, or low-prioritization of one-on-one interactions
- 0-2 long term platonic relationships with emotional support
- social needs
- convenience / propiniquity
- wanting to be liked / needed
- mutual support
- common interest
- curiosity
Commitment: we discussed how lower commitment relationships are not inferior. Defining a relationship as low-commitment helps manage expectations.
Reflections: Aplatonic people expressed positive emotions about realizing they are aplatonic and having the space to discuss aplatonicism.
Other Topics
Repulsed: We wondered if platonic-repulsed people exist. Someone said that they exist, but are rare. We agreed we should spoiler intense platonicism, but were uncertain what would qualify. We can do our best to keep platonic-repulsed people in mind, especially in conversations and spaces centering aplatonic people.
Essentialism: When asexual or aromantic spectrum people defend their humanity with statements like "we can still love" or "we can still have primary platonic relationships" there is the implication that the trait they "still" have is what makes them human - which unintentionally dehumanizes those who don't have that trait. We talked about getting ahead of the problem by brainstorming phrases to be careful of, such as "I'm aplatonic but I still have social needs."
Singlism: we briefly talked about political goals around laws that disincentive being single and the societal perception that being single is sad or undesirable.
Aplatonic QPR: Someone asked if they could be aplatonic and want to be in a QPR or "default person". The answer is yes. Wanting (or being in) platonic relationships of any commitment level or intensity does not "disqualify" you from identifying as aplatonic. It was also noted that QPR is an umbrella term for a wide range of defined platonic relationships and doesn't have include a minimum amount of connection and commitment.
Prefixes: We brainstormed if all the asexual and aromantic prefixes (and suffixes) can be applied to aplatonic. We came to the conclusion all or almost all work. There are some such as quoiromantic and quoiplatonic that could be used interchangeably, but others might see as distinct.
Negative relationships: I asked if being aplatonic led to staying in imbalanced or negative friendships. Several people agreed. See "nonfriends" under definitions.
What is normal?: a question was raised about what are "typical" feelings about friendship, friendship structures, and platonic attraction (or it's lack) compared to what has been oversaturated with importance by the aromantic community and the media. There was push back against the idea that aplatonicism is "just" a reaction to an exagerated perception of friendship.
Familial relationships: we discussed the difference and overlap between familial and platonic relationships (including found family as familial). Some talked about not feeling connected to family members in the same way they don't feel connected to friends.
Previous TAAAP Chat Notes by redbeardace
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