September 2021 Carnival of Aros: Just Friends

Spoiler for Shang Chi: how a relationship is described and where that relationship ends up.  

The September 2021 Carnival of Aros theme is LANGUAGE.

A significant portion of Aros, I haven’t taken a poll, don’t appreciate the phrase “just friends” because it enforces a relationship hierarchy of romance as superior to friendship. 

Someone once questioned this dislike, citing that “just” can be used to clarify “this not that” and doesn’t necessarily mean a value comparison. 

For example, “Did you get apples and bananas from the store?” - “No, just bananas.”

However, the connotation of “just” tends to be a diminishment. 

“What was that noise?” - “Nothing, just goofing around”. In this example, “just” is used to say the noise is nothing to be concerned about because it is less than what the person who heard it and worried thought it might have been. The same thing happens with an accusation that someone is having an affair and the defense that “we are just friends.”

The same diminishing effect is seen in “I was just trying to help” and “it was just a joke” because it attempts to reduce the validity of the other person not liking the help or the “joke”. 

Where does the dislike come from?

I believe that the dislike of “just friends” doesn’t come from ambiguous uses where the “this not that” definition could be applied if given the benefit of the doubt. 

I see the dislike coming from two situations. 

1) The pervasiveness of the phrase in romantic movies where by the end of the film, the “no we’re just friends” pair are going to become romantic. This story repeated over and over again gives the impression that romance is preferred, that a man and woman in a friendship are mistaken, and that the close friendship at the beginning of the movie was only able to exist as a precursor to romance.  

2) A cultural norm for relatives and friends to  inquire about any close relationship with the opposite sex as suspect of being romantic. 

Happy Example Time!

I greatly enjoyed in the movie Shang Chi (yes, here comes the spoiler) how even though he says “we’re just friends” in response to her older relatives question, he says it with a smile and easy tone so it doesn’t seem dismissive. It feels like he is happy with the friendship. And best of all, they stay friends at the end of the movie and there are plenty of scenes affirming their friendship that could have been replaced with romance, so it wasn’t just that the story didn’t have room for a relationship sub plot. 

Conclusion

Personally, I downgrade to sullen indifference if I can interpret the person’s use of “just friends” as pertaining to the hierarchy they apply to their own relationships, and not necessarily imposing that hierarchy on me. 

However, as a writer with aros in my target audience, I want my audience to be engaged in what I create and not be distracted by my language choice. So I choose not to use “just friends” even though I am inconsistent if it bothers me or not and in what context. 

 

Then again, I don’t often have to verbally defend a relationship as a friendship and not something else, which means I don’t have much practice in avoiding the common saying. So I could see myself slipping up. 

What about you? Are there common situations “just friends” is used that I am not thinking of? How do you feel about the phrase “just friends?” Are you more bothered when an aspec creator uses “just friends” because there’s a greater chance that they would have heard of this bothering people and are choosing to keep it in?