Relationship Anarchy and Hugs

 The February 2021 Carnival of Aros topic is Relationship Anarchy.

My understanding of Relationship Anarchy is limited to the basic concept of rejecting societal frameworks for what a certain kind of relationship is supposed to be, and instead communicating with the other person how you each want the relationship to function.

So let's apply that to family and hugs!

Hugs

At the beginning of the month, I made a stray remark about trying for a hug a day in February. My mom loved the idea.

Can you already see where this is going?

I have a hit or miss relationship with hugs. On the one hand, hugs improve mental wellness and I often enjoy human contact. Especially in this time of quarantine, intentionally setting up human contact with people in your bubble is a way to fight against the burnout.

I don't always like hugs. Some days they are prickly. When I'm seated and the other person leans down to hug the back of my shoulders. When it's the socially obligated greeting and good bye hugs. When I'm reminded we missed days so now we have to hug, and I worry that rejecting the hug would hurt her feelings.

And some days, I just don't want human contact for no particular reason.

With a daily hug regimen, I quickly ran into being hugged and being asked for hugs when I didn’t want to – but also didn’t want to trigger what I worried would be a negative reaction to rejecting affection.


Happy Ending

While I may not have divulged my treatise on hugs to my mother, I did slip into conversation something along the lines of "We don't have to hug every day. We should hug when we want to hug."

And the world didn’t end. She didn’t even seem disappointed.

I may never get to a point where I feel comfortable saying no to a family hug. For me, the social discomfort outweighs the possible physical discomfort.


Relationship Anarchy Plans

There are areas where I would like to tap into Relationship Anarchy and break from established relationship expectations by: explaining the kind of hug I don’t like, saying no to acquaintances who position themselves for a goodbye hug – especially after they made me uncomfortable several times that meeting.

The thought of breaking these norms fills me with minor dread. I’d like to stay in a head space where I don’t blame myself for past or future silence and complacency in terms of personal boundaries I choose not to set (or don’t set because I’m on autopilot or I didn’t have time to process the situation).

I can take Relationship Anarchy in my own way at my own pace.


Conclusion

To hug or not to hug is not an on-off switch. In this moment, I'm not certain if I'm in the mood for a hug. The idea doesn't seem too prickly right now. I know that being offered a hug will make my mom happy, and I may or may not get an immediate discernible happiness boost. But either way it’s an aspect of our relationship I choose to keep initiating.

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