Defining a Relationship for Fun

For November Carnvial of Aros: Commitment

Last month I posted the following:

"For story research / practice / curiosity ... who wants to have a DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP conversation with me? I am curious if defining relationships would bring me more connection / happiness / calm. If so it'll be good practice for continuing doing that. My characters have to define their relationships, yet I rarely do. So fair's fair."

And someone agreed. (They also agreed I could write this blog post)

The Research

I don't know if this is an aplatonic thing, a me thing, or an internet thing - but I have a very poor memory for interactions with individuals, instead I remember how I feel about interactions in the space or group with a decent memory of specific interactions but not who specifically was involved. 

An upside of online relationships is there's a digital trail. I was able to skim through our past interactions to get a baseline for the type of interactions I enjoyed with this person and could ask to increase, as well as starting to conceptualize them as an individual outside of a collective of people I've had positive interactions with. (an important stage in any relationship 😛 )

I read a few articles on defining relationships in preparation and made a list of topics to consider

• how we contact each other
• boundaries, anything that makes us uncomfortable to avoid
• what types of interactions we want to have and how frequently
• what we hope to get out of the relationship / where we see the relationship going

The DTR

The conversation started off well. We both said we didn't know what we were doing. It's nice to be on the same page, even if that page is uncertainty. 

They remembered a past conversation where I complained about being vented to, and we agreed venting wouldn't be part of our relationship. I had an idea for a type of interaction I wanted and they asked follow up questions to get me to be more specific and think it through.

There's a topic we both like and wanted to make talking about part of our relationship, but we didn't set up a plan for frequency. We had a brief conversation once. But the great thing about a defined relationship, is that there's a framework in place for redefining the relationship. 

I can say "Hey I noticed we haven't been doing this and I'd like to try to make time for it. Would this set up work for you?" without feeling awkward or worrying they'll be confused or make a big deal out of it. 

There's an interaction we decided to do daily - which might have been my idea - but it wasn't working for me. I tried tweaking how I did it, which helped but not fully. Luckily, we set it up to try for a month, and that month is over. Soon we'll talk about what changes to make. 

I appreciate that sometimes they forget to reach out, and sometimes I do. We don't make a big deal out of forgetting. Our interactions didn't stay strictly to those we set up in the DTR. Some of those interactions I might ask to keep, and some I might explain why they didn't work for me. 

Reflection

Back in September during the TAAAP chat on aplatonicism, I came to the conclusion that I prefer low commitment friendships. I've realized that what I really prefer is clear expectations and equal effort. 

I am comforted by the fact that I trust this person wouldn't secretly dislike our relationship and not say anything. I do feel a bit awkward about the upcoming conversation about interactions I'd like to add, subtract, increase, or tweak (and what they want too), but I'm confident that it's a conversation worth having and it will feel less awkward each time. 

I suspect (though I could be very wrong) that I wouldn't be emotionally wrecked if this person said this relationship isn't what they are looking for. But now that I've said that, I'll at least get to have a little laugh at past Char while dealing with the hurt of rejection.

I was going to write that I've grown out of feeling obligated to stay in a relationship and how wonderful that is, but I'm not certain that's true. Part of me wonders if (for practice and to prove to myself I can), I should end this relationship. I don't like that plan though. Staying open to the relationship is worth keeping that kernal of uncertainty.